It's been awhile....

So it's been a little while (see current music) since I've written anything. Not a lot going on. Finals are coming up which means that everything is due at once. It also means that I'll soon have a 4 week vacation!!

On another note...
A year ago today, I lost someone EXTREMELY important in my life. I miss her so very much. Every time I think about her, tears come streaming down my cheeks, which is right now as I'm writing. There are no words to describe how I feel about her being gone. There are days where I still can't believe she's gone. Who knew that she wouldn't get to see me get married or have my first child? No one in the family knew it either, which is probably why I can't get passed it. It was so sudden, that I had no time to really think about it and to properly say good-bye. Other people have grandparents who are sick, so they're prepared for the end. But this was so sudden that no one could have predicted it to happen so soon. She was only 80. I realize that's pretty old, but not really. Not if you knew her. She never acted like she was 80. She still went shopping with me at the mall, still drove her car (up until she hurt her ankle that is) and still went on her errands. I still can't believe she's gone. I'd give anything to have her back, even if it's just for one minute. The holidays just aren't the same without her there. To me, she completed christmas. Without her, it doesn't feel like christmas. Last year's christmas was probably the hardest of them all, but this year won't be a picnic either. We no longer have her house, since we have finally sold it and are waiting to close on it. Everything is just too much for me now. I really wish I had her to talk to. Every time I pick up my phone, I want to call her. It doesn't help any that my dorm room phone is one of hers. When I'm at home, I'm surrounded by her furniture and not to mention her cat. This makes me want to just curl up on my bed and cry my eyes out. I can't live without her. I want to die so that I can go to heaven to be with her. You have no idea how many times I have thought about that. Way too many to be healthy. My medication is working fine I guess, but it doesn't stop the feelings of wanting to be with her. Like I said before, I'd give anything just to have her back for a minute, even though I'd want her for longer than that. This is going to take a very long time for me to get over. I think I need to go to a counselor that specializes in death and coping and what not. I still feel like it's my fault she's gone because if I had known what would happen, I would've done something to prevent it, like take her to the hospital or had just stayed with her during the night. I was too concerned with my own things, such as my psychology paper that was due in 2 days and I was stuck like gum on the bottom of your shoe. I feel like if I hadn't been thinking about that, I would've noticed something wasn't right. But I didn't. I'd give anything to start the night before she died over in an instant. Had I known that when I woke up the next morning that she'd be gone, I wouldn't have been thinking of school or anything else except on her. I wanted to withdraw a few weeks before that happened so I could be with her during the day to make sure she did her therapy and just took care of her. She didn't want me to do that because she knew how important school is to me (and to her) and didn't want me to miss out on the opportunity. I admired her so much. She was such a great role model. She was well beyond her years. She delayed getting married and received her master's degree among other sorts of degrees and got married when she was almost 31. She knew by then that she wasn't able to have kids of her own because they had removed her uterus because of a tumor. She adopted instead and without that, I wouldn't have my mom. Supposedly my grandfather was a great man too, but I never got to meet him since he died 3 years before I was born. He graduated from Brown University with a degree in Engineering, which he then became a mechanical engineer for various companies. My grandmother was an artist who did wonderful paintings and drawings (which we still have) and I miss her doing that. As a little kid, I loved to watch her paint in her studio or draw at the beach or in parking lots at strip malls. I miss her so much. Nothing's the same without her. I can't wait to have a family of my own (which I doubt will happen any time soon) so that the holidays will mean something again. Speaking of which, there aren't any new prospects for boyfriends. I have a feeling that I won't get married until later, which I don't want because I know my fertility could be an issue pass the age of 30. I don't want to do fertility treatments or adopt, unless it's absolutely necessary to adopt. I guess things happen for a reason, but I just wish I knew what the reason was that she was taken from me so suddenly. Does anyone else know? I'd really like to know the reason. Well I guess I'll go study for my Child Psychology exam tomorrow before the basketball game tonight.

RIP Momma
May 14, 1924 - November 8, 2004